Thursday, May 24, 2007


...and so it's come to that time. It's so strange to feel that we have prepared for the end for two and a half years and had a great time doing it! Gordon now only has a few weeks left (the oncologist said two to three months) and we are letting the cancer take its course.

Gordon is quiet but calm; he can no longer stand or walk so the prospect of taking him to Dzogchen Beara has been missed now...the transition from him feeling poorly on May, 9th to becoming bed bound by May, 11th was so rapid that we were caught rather unawares!! Still, if I can't take him to Dzogchen Beara then I will try to bring Dzogchen Beara to him...the lovely Matt has sent us a couple of wonderful posters which now adorn the bedroom (on the ground floor with steps leading out to the garden and with views over the fields and woods); we have the room full of posters and items that he loves...the "Looks Like Me" image is visible from the bed as is the shrine with its items from the shop (all of which bring his conversations with Scott and Kate to mind!) I have brought flowers to the top step of the patio doors where they blend in with the flowers inside the room that people have brought for him; there are three strings of prayer flags fluttering by the window, butter lamps burning and the cds that Mark did for us on the sound system. Debbie from London Rigpa has been to visit as have several Sangha friends...and the wonderful Mary and Cliff have rung from Lerab Ling and Ally has rung us from Dzogchen Beara. With all this support, it feels as if there is a warm blanket wrapped around our hearts so, apart from the odd moment when it all comes crashing in on me, it is a very peaceful and loving time.

Rinpoche has sent word that Gordon IS in his mind (Rinpoche's capitals and colour, not mine!) and we have the replacement Amrit from Rinpoche's personal stash that was stolen in our burglary at the start of May.

Today is our fourth wedding anniversary...not quite what I had envisaged back in 2003 but I wouldn't swap one day of the time we've spent together for a lifetime with anyone else. Gordon brought sunshine back into my life after twenty four years of being beaten and cowed by an alcoholic bully of a man; he gave my daughters their lives and confidence back and turned this home into a place of laughter and joy...he has a light which shines inside him that is still undimmed by this cancer and I feel priviledged to share this last journey with him. He will be 52 next Monday...horrendously young for such a light to die but with the help and support we have had from so many kind people, Rinpoche and the teachings, I know that we will be fine.

Thank you to all who read this for allowing me to share this tale...