...so now what?

It is now nearly four months since Gordon died. He had a peaceful death with myself and our friend, Mary, by his side; his funeral was wonderful and he would have loved the Triumph motorcycle and sidecar hearse!

I have done the Glastonbury Festival, visited friends, been to France and, most important of all, been back home to Dzogchen Beara where we scattered some of Gordon's ashes by the prayer flags overlooking the new Spiritual Care Centre where he had wanted to die...but now what?

Life stretches ahead of me; perhaps one more day, perhaps forty more years...all without the Love of my Lives by my side. Every day I turn around to find him no longer there...I miss his smile, his ready laughter, his love of the absurd and his joy of being. I miss holding him and feeling the warmth of his heart infusing my soul...every day.

Sometimes I'm surprised that I can keep breathing because it hurts so much; sometimes I'm surprised that I can still smile and laugh...and I know I owe that to Gordon too. Half an hour before he died, I promised him that every breath I took , I would take for him and that I would live the rest of my life for him; that promise has kept me going through some extremely dark moments. I know that the last thing that Gordon would want for me is to hurt as much as I do...I can't help hurting but I can help letting that emptiness define me; I love him far too much to let that happen.

This will probably be the last entry in this blog as my Velvet Peanut is no longer here with me...if anyone ever reads this, know that somethings are worth having your heart broken for.


For Gordon...always.